pulmonaire:

I just want to cuddle

and my anchor is set, but somewhere else. everytime the water gets rough, the rope to my anchor is yanking at me, trying to pull me to it. i can literally feel it in my chest, and sometimes it hurts. can i please just quit school, run away and start my life already?

I hate being so over analyzing and anxious if anyone does anything. No wonder I’m always single, I block out any feelings a guy has and just focus on his replying time or way he talks. Effing effing effing a. Ugh im so stressed and upset over NOTHING. Nothing at all. Last night was amazing, beyond amazing, yet I’m still freaking the hell out. Come on :(

so i wish i had emotions, cause then i could tell if i like this guy or not. i mean, my mental heart leaps at the sight of him, and hes awesome and funny and GORGEOUS and so fun to be around, so why wouldnt i like him? if i was myself but a year ago, i’d be mad over this guy, like having heart attacks at the mention of his name. i definetly like him, i  just cant get myself to admit/accept it. Plus, liking him means letting go of some things, and changing. i hate change, secretly. By secretly i mean, on the outside im all like Wooo! change! im a whimsical go with the flow girl!! but on the inside, im more likei just died a little.emo and all that stuff. Is this what happiness is, like unadulterated happiness? where i dont have to censore it? i think so. i think i feel like and im blushing and i feel good inside. whooooaaa keeps going through my head. im FREAKING HAPPY :)

of being treated like i dont deserve to be answered. hey pal, whenever im with you youre checking your phone every two seconds, but when i text you its too difficult to type a two word response just so i know that you care somewhat about the fact that i want to talk to you. i mean, is it just me that is being ignored? do you treat everyone else like this too? is there some code that i dont know where you can stop talking to someone if what they’re saying isnt interesting enough to continue? honestly, i dont know why i try to reach out to people if everyone and their mother thinks im a burden, or at least treats me as one. is there something wrong with me and i just cant see it? why is it that i go out with people and feel like a ghost. why is it that my dad didnt tell me his girlfriends mom died? lets let jackie be the last one to know. that way, she can find out in the car ride to the resteraunt, and hold off on the whole being sad thing until after dinner. she can pretend like nothings the matter, like she always does. MY gosh im so sick of being treated like a problem when im not wanted. like ok, whenever anyone needs me im there for them, i talk through problems and listen and give any advice they need. if i have a problem, or even just want to be acknowledged, its just to much for anyone to handle. and i cant even fucking cry about it because ive become so fucking numb. fuck everything im so destroyed right now. i need real friends.  i love ranting.